Thursday, February 28, 2008

ham phone on the line

Katherine Katherine Edward Anne Scissorhands:

the best thing about hamphone
is once you find out there is a rotting piece of ham in your phone
like, you know, someone put it there deliberately
there is no getting around it!
and you think "WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS"
there is no way that ham accidentally got in that phone!
and you remember all your douchey times
and you wince
its like judgement day pretty much
its basically the same as the ghost of christmas past visiting you
but with a hamphone (!)


this is why i am proud to share a blog with this person

FUN IN THE SUN: the spring break edition! (too soon?)

...oh...where the?...i...
oh!
oh! hey....susan?
no, it's Sandra, but that's ok, we were pretty...there was....so much tequila
yeah....er...good morning? afternoon? you a friend of Michelle's?
no , we met at "Rico's 24 hr. Tacos"....i could have sworn i had a bra around here somewhere
did we...?
yeah...i don't think that's dried sunscreen on the mirror.
right. well. i should be going....do you want my pho-
...no that's ok. let's just leave it at what it was.
...right.


aaaaaand.....SCENE! oh Tijuana, you're way too bright
for the hungover and less fortunate
doing the walk of shame through pools of vomit on the way back to the cabana
and not even Daddy's platinum AmEx can cure this headache cause it's.....

....SPRING BREAK 2K8!!!! (show yo tits, yall)
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good decisions bad decisions, they all just boil down to decisions anyway, right?


picking the right music for your plane ride south of the boarder/pregaming festivities
is the most important part of SPRING BREAK 2K8 (besides condoms. LOTS AND LOTS OF CONDOMS)

today I accidently organized my itunes by song title.
1999 by prince
1979 by the smashing pumpkins
1234 by feist

you can't PAY a party DJ to be this good!
you will become the most popular gal/guy in your sardine-packed hotel room
mad tunes = mad friends = maaadd hookups, y'all!

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now go put some SPF 15 balm those lucious DSLs and make like you've never been hurt
cause no one likes an artsy emo girl or boy on SPRING BREAK (show yo tits!)

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this girl knows whattssupp!

Friday, February 22, 2008

what to wear (now that the hipsters are dead)

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so yesterday on gawker i saw that williamsburg is dying which, let's be honest here, however tongue-in-cheek it may be, broke my heart into tiny, bloody, skinny-jeans-wearing pieces.

and then i did a little research and found that time out new york is apparently on the warpath as well! or at least they were circa may, 2007. so APPARENTLY everyone and their mom is now anti-hipster.

which.. okay. i can take it. but what we need to discuss is, how to fill the gaping wound in america's trendsetting elite? in order to head off this potential power vacuum, i have kindly listed some alternatives below.

don't let the hipsters have died in vain, friends.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Option 1: REDNECKS

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if you are like me, when a commercial for "larry the cable guy" comes on t.v. you think, "ew" and maybe, "this is god awful i want to die i want to die i want to DIE." but take a moment to set all those prejudices aside - and pick up some new ones, towards black people and educated folk!

but srsly, check this out:

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kinda charming, no?

and that's not all! guns (pro), inbreeding (eh ok), and mullets (it's a PARTY on the back of your head!) all await you.

this one may take more convincing, but unfortunately, i've run out of arguments. country music?


Option 2: NEO-NAZIS

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haven't you always wanted to kick the shit out of someone? here's your chance!

neo-nazis may kind of seem like dicks, but that's only because they are. also, they're super popular in today's entertainment world. american history x, anyone? chernowitz? some other book you read in middle school during those four months they taught about the holocaust?

AND: from wikipedia: "neo-nazis rarely use the word 'neo-nazi' to describe themselves."
just like hipsters!


Option 3: SARS EPIDEMIC

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hey guys, remember sars? wasn't that the best? we all thought we were gonna die! it was like 9/11, but instead of planes, there were germs and instead of the world trade center, it was china! talk about excitement. even canada got a piece of the limelight, which hasn't happened since...ever?

but here's the thing, everybody: it's still out there. there's no need to give up the panic just yet!

also, this:

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not a far cry from this, eh?

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just pull that terrorist scarf up over your mouth and call it a day!


Option 4: DOUCHEBAGS

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i just really don't think we've given douchebags a fair chance. i mean, yeah, we covered the popped-collar thing and the affinity for keystone light, but don't you think it goes much deeper than that? when's the last time you've stopped a douchebag on the street, looked him in the eye, and said, "hey bro...how are you?" don't fool yourself. the douchebag kingdom is easily as complex as the hipster realm.

try to find out the answers to the following questions.
i think you'll find you learn a little something along the way. (insert: winking emoticon!)
1. in the douchebag world, what/who/how are misshapes?
2. do douchebags cry? if so, why?
3. who do douchebags call douchebags?

!! bonus !!
being a douchebag has enough irony potential to guide you through those tumultous in-between times. hipsters' dying brethren will never suspect you've already left the ranks!


Option 5: EMO BOYS/GIRLS

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wait, seriously, take a moment to look at that cat.

aww. look at that sad little cat. it is so endearing.

WELL, GUESS WHAT READERS? that sad little (lol!)cat is the emo boy and/or girl inside all of us. how could we turn on the emo movement so quickly? when did we so cruelly cast aside our charming, formative years to become emo's snide cousin, hipster?

i mean, sure, the whole emo thing gets annoying, what with all the black hair-dye and suicide attempts, but it's really not more than a hop, skip, and (asshole) jump away from our current state of affairs. remember the revival of hippies and bell-bottoms and that woodstock festival where they sold $4 bottles of water and it was a total travesty? well, there's no reason to think emo part II will go as badly!

embrace the middle-school heartache.


Option 6: GAYS

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aren't you getting a little tired of finding the love of your life, only to discover he's quote homosexual unquote? not to mention how annoying it is when your TOTALLY GAY friend (i mean like TOTALLY GAY, LIKE THIS GUY CLEARLY LIKES TO HAVE SEX WITH OTHER MALES) introduces you to his "girlfriend"? in this age of freedom & expression, etc. etc. everyone seems to think that they have the right to throw their sexual ambiguousness all over the place (see: EMO BOYS).

well no more! i have the solution and the solution is called:
Let's All Turn Gay!! (TM)

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sure, it might be a little awkward at first, but seriously, who among us does not like rainbows? and check out that happy gent above! what a charmer.

plus, we can finally throw all that civil union crap right out the window and focus on the important issues, like that war in that place overseas and do we really want a president who bawls like a little baby.
* * * * * * * * * * * *

CHOOSE WISELY EVERYONE.
CIGS & BLOGS WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU....IN THE FUTURE.

what do you think the misshapes were doing on 9/11?

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fags

Thursday, February 21, 2008

cigarettes (& blogs)



excerpt from the blog that stole our name
(last entry 07.07.06)

I made up my mind.

I have to go soul searching for a while. I need to find myself. I need to get self-actualized.

I need to clear my head. I have to face myself. To exorcise my demons. Quickly, before the shadow of the past will enshroud the face of the present and the spark of the future.

I need to open my "Pandora's Box" once more. It's been quite a long time since I've been honest to goodness truthful to myself. Weird how I can easily show myself to others, but have a hard time facing who I really am. Twisted. Twisted. Twisted.

Soul searching was never easy. It takes guts, honesty and a whole lot of pain. Mr. Padilla said that when he told me to soul-search and become self-actualized. I think, for once, I will really follow him.

"I don't like myself, I don't understand myself.. so why should you guys do the same?"

I need to "bond" with myself for a while.

I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense, but I need to do this now, or else I'll never get through this.

i'm sure you can't tell, but the author is actually a fifteen year-old girl.
come back, kismet! mr. padilla is the coolest history teacher ever, right?! and what ever happened between you and julian? your adoring public needs to know!

or, just revoke your blogger name plz.

k thnx bai!

so excited, but so scared

"But what if we are not funny?" she said
"We are always funny. Remember 9/11"