Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Internet Will Bury You Alive

oh shit, guys, remember when the blog died?


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that was THE SADDEST.*

(* slight exaggeration. an actual depiction of THE SADNESS is graphed below:

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as you can see our absence is significantly sadder than orphans (not to mention the existence of the demon pratts) but cannot even touch the off-the-scale tragedy of this picture of britney spears in a little car:

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[regards, gawker.] )

whatevs.
THE BLOG MUST GO ON.

so.

one of the saddest things about this little blog-cation (ed. note: does this work?) of ours is that it was indicative of a much, much more serious condition:

I BECAME ESTRANGED FROM THE INTERNET.

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pretend that shirtless guy is me, and dead, and gay. now pretend that the translucent girl who looks a little like emma from degrassi (anybody?) is ACTUALLY the internet. and those rocks i am standing on are loneliness. and the storm clouds stay exactly the same. NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.

and actually, scratch the incredibly scientific graph up above (fyi, guys: first thing i've ever made with ms paint. i know - amazing, right? i'm like some sort of adult prodigy over here. i'm like the bobby fisher of useless computer programs, but twenty years too late to be at all impressive!). falling out of love with the internet is WAY sadder than b.spears in a miniature automobile. life without the internet is sadder than A FLEET OF MULTIPLE BRITNEY SPEARS IN MULTIPLE TINY CARS. this is because without the internet, i would never know britney was driving around in that tiny car in the first place.

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it's the catch-22 of internet sadness, eh, joseph heller?

but to continue, there are so many great things about the internet. i can't believe i ever let it go. for example, last night c. and i were watching 'lockup: RAW' (obvs) and had the following conversation as the camera zoomed in on a convict's tattooed forehead:

k: is that a puzzle piece with WINGS?!?
c: no.. that is clearly a swastika.
k: oh.
k: a puzzle piece with wings sure would have been funny, though.
c: funnier than a swastika with wings?
k: good point.

and today, thanks to THE INTERNET, i can . . .

well ok, actually this isn't the best example, because i just spent about twenty-minutes trying to find a picture of a unicorn & swastika tattoo which APPARENTLY does not exist. so i moved on to 'humorous swastikas", which again, not much there, and then realized how awkward it's going to be when my boss looks at my internet history and figured i should cool off some.

but not before finding THIS!:

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i mean, pretty sweet, right? does the internet EVER fail?!

(answer: no. mostly.)

oh, and just in case anyone else out there is suffering a case of heartbreak with the internet, let me introduce you to a little site that changed my life: theme park insider.

here's a brief look into what they do here:

"In the United States, no official source is keeping a complete national record of theme park accidents. And in many U.S. states, including Florida, theme parks are not legally required to report accidents involving injury to anyone.

That's why Theme Park Insider users are stepping up, to provide amusement park safety data that the public needs, and ought to be entitled to get."


yeah, that's right. just a bunch of modern-day heroes joining up around the world to bring important amusement park info to the people. no biggie.

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and lest you mistakenly think these muckrakers are mere monkeys who for some reason enjoy re-typing news articles about bacteria in the tide pool at six flags, let it be known:

"In 2001, the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism and the Online News Association honored Accident Watch with the Online Journalism Award for Service Journalism."

that's right. ivy-approved.
WAY TO GO INTERNET!

but the part that really caught my eye (and heart!) - was a touching comment left on the following story:

"Superman Ride of Steel at Six Flags New England
May 1, 2004
A 55 year old man fell out of S:ROS at about 3 p.m. today as the ride was approaching the end of its run, according to a statement from the park. The man, whose identity wasnot immediately released, was transported to Baystate Medical Center in Springfield and pronounced dead at about 3:45. The ride is closed pending an investigation by the park and Agawam, Mass. police. The Mass. Department of Public Safety, which oversees rides in the state, was also notified. -- Reported on May 1, 2004."


tragic, no? luckily, the internet is here and waiting, so any empathetic soul around the globe can voice their thoughts & feelings, even months later, diffusing personal pain and horror into a burden nobly recognized by all.

says anonymous:

"I was in the park at the time but I was having my harness secured for a ride on Batman:The Dark Knight when a child ran in and told everyone there was an accident and a man fell out of S:ROS. The ride attendant said this would never happen and called down to the main office. She then lied to us saying nothing had ahppened. The worst part of this ordeal was S:ROS was closed foer the rest of the day and I had only ridden in 2X that day. -- Reported on March 31, 2005".

first of all, (sic.) all over the place.

secondly, IT SURE IS GOOD TO BE BACK IN THIS WINNER'S CIRCLE!

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catch ya later, i got some lolcatz to check out.

4 comments:

Belle said...

if i should count the ways this post is epic i would lose count. degrassi analogy? really?

rebeatnik said...

i'm really happy that dead gay son has been resuscitated.
p.s.that cow is HOT.

k. said...

belle: you have no idea how much it warms my heart that another blogger knows the degrassi love. also, how do you make your blog so pretty? please help. we are dead and gay and not technologically inclined.

Sally Dae said...

my favorite.
degrassi is to tv as my dead gay son is to AWESOMENESS!